I’m struggling thru the disappointment of:
- spending money for a terrific cause, the International Association for Frontotemporal Dementia, and then being too ill when there to attend.
- of not having the opportunity of meeting my friends from the FTDSupportForum.com, when they were mere yards from me
- and knowing in my heart I am diminishing.
But even with my realities, I keep storing empty cans & bottles for next year’s Farmers Market, to fill with flowers from my garden. Even tho’ my garden was accidentally killed in a weed treatment.
I know I withdraw into my coccoon to heal, and lick my wounds, with the hope of feeling better when I wake up. And, surprisingly, some days I do.
Somedays I wake up at the usual time I would if I were still working. The notepad by my bed is filled with ideas for FAITH magazine, or an article, or a thought to create something.
Somedays not only do I wake up, feeling like ‘myself’ but have found myself picking out my clothes for the day, dashing to the shower, and in the middle of putting on my makeup, suddenly realize there is no work, the clothes I picked to wear for the day I could not fit into even if I tried, and the pointy-toed high heels would kill me and possibly injure a passer-by.
Somedays I cannot not find the energy to get up at all. Preferring being stuck in crazy dreams than facing that day’s truth. I am slowly losing who I was, and am painfully acknowledging who I have become.
But today, I got up at 9:30a, wandered around in my flannel nightie (it’s getting cold here), went back for a nap, and then put on yesterday’s clothes and come downstairs.
And then I weep at the gorgeous variety of colours surrounding my home, and I wonder if this will be my last ‘dance’ with October and that this symbol of seasons changing represents my life.
Somedays I just have to laugh at the Weeble I’ve become…
Papa? It’s me, Vicki