It’s a beautiful August Summer day. I have 2 friends coming to visit today and I am feeling good. Beanni actually used the pee pad. I don’t think it gets much better than this.
Understanding. Comprehension. Apathy. They seem to rule my life and fight with it. My girls came over yesterday, Bep weeding & Tandi getting my groceries. Bep doing my meds. Tandi gathering the bills. And lunch at Relli’s. A good, but long day.
I ache to see my children. Not just for the reason most moms would give, but because I am so afraid of the next phase, where I begin to be apathetic to them, then not know them any more. I don’t want to say that to them, but it niggles in my brain and heart.
I missed Christmas with my family in 2012. Those who know me, know Christmas is my favourite time of the year. I listen to Christmas carols even now. And it is, without a doubt, a high priority family time. From the time I was a baby thru now, my family – parents, then my own, and now the grands – Christmas was a time of laughter, of remembrance, of senses, of all Goode Things.
Last year, I became physically & mentally sick. It lasted for weeks. I could hardly lift my head off the pillow. I had no sensation that it was Advent, Christmas soon to come. I had no feelings, no emotion. Nothing. I had flat-lined. And I knew I was tasting a bitter appetizer of the banquet life had spread before me.
And so, I missed Christmas. I kept to my bed and once I told my family I couldn’t be there, it was out of my head and heart. Fini.
I wish Christmas could be today. I am alive, I feel things. I am sentimental, I easily bruise mentally. I weep, I laugh.
And the Peanut Gringo? My friend is bringing my favourite wine today to celebrate months of us being apart. Ahhh. Pinot Grigio.
Papa? Are you there? It’s me, Vicki